Unable to concentrate

Fri Jul 3, 11:20 am

Whatever love you can get or you can give, whatever happiness you can provide, every temporary measure of grace. Whatever works. – From the new Woody Allen film, Whatever Works.

I was just watching the preview and trying to decide if I’ll be in the mood to see it tonight. I’m trying to kill time and take my mind of the scary upcoming ultrasound this afternoon. It seems that pregnancy is one big medical test rollercoaster to make sure everything is good or bad. It’s that or which is difficult to live with, probabilities but lack of certainty. While I don’t expect anything to be wrong, that or makes it impossible for me to not imagine that there might be something awfully wrong. Also, the previous appointment was emotionally disastrous. Being surrounded by pregnant people or those trying to become pregnant or those with infants was like being thrown into a David Lynch film, where everything is seemingly normal but I’m feeling immensely off-kilter because something just doesn’t feel quite right. The previous appointment also involved more than my fair quota of needles for the year, as well as some brilliantly stupid move on the part of renovators to use glue in the next wing. Hello! Pregnant, as in Nauseous People right around the corner! Yes, well, if you imagine the hospital environment to actually be one of caring, then you are completely out of touch with reality. Try “clinical” or “experimental” or “diagnostic” or “lab rats” and “antiseptics”.

This is what I hate about being pregnant. The freaky or. The other part I hate is doing so much of being pregnant alone. While I’ve had a couple of kind offers of company and moral support for this appointment, I’ve declined. The offers come from people I like but aren’t the kind I am comfortable putting through the waiting and distressful process, but at least I know who is in town and who I can call if the news is bad. Isn’t this what good relationships and caring is all about, to not go through this kind of critical and distressful experience alone? Otherwise, why bother forming friendships or relationships if not for mutual love and support? I think I understand more and more the value of best friends and especially family; even when the family is a mess and people don’t get along, the blood-ties generally don’t break enough to make you feel like you are falling without some kind of soft landing or parachute, and best friends have known you long enough that you know they don’t care if you’re frozen in fear in the waiting room. In the most critical moments of your life, you can just be yourself, be silent, be afraid, be weak, and not a word needs to be exchanged, because the hard-won understanding from years of shared experience is there. I am increasingly aware of how important this child is becoming to me, that he or she be healthy and safe, that I be able to find ways to give him or her the care and love and sense of security needed to live life in whatever way is chosen.

Time to go.