No strings attached

21 August 08

The above photo was taken nearly a month ago in St. John’s after climbing Signal Hill on the first day of my East Coast holiday.

Now that I’ve caught up on some sleep and attended to certain minor administrative issues preceding the next academic year, I have been reading more of the required reading and finding that, at least in two cases, the material is very interesting. I aim to unravel this tricky question of urban noise studies, or at least spend the next however many years trying. I’m of the opinion that if I can get at the heart of the matter, then there is a chance that solutions may bleed to the surface, yet recent experience has taught me that sometimes getting to the heart requires some very cold and objective surgery. What I generally think to be the case has proven to not be the case. In life, in academics, in love, in whatever I can think of. This is humbling and at the same time concerning. How am I supposed to be confident when I know that confidence is a slippy mental stratagem? Perhaps confidence is born of humility, this knowing that I’ve tried every possible thought and put enough into action to see clear results that I will most likely be just as wrong as I am right about any single imaginable thing life will throw at me?

Whatever the case, I care less about those things I do not really need to care about (we live on a 24 hour clock, and really, there is not enough time in a lifetime to freak about everything), and I am slowly discerning what truly requires care, that tlc factor that is at the foundation of anything worth time and energy. Half-assed and superficial are not my style, but sweating blood is not an option, either. So, there is danger in these slippy times, that my pending and required decisions may not be the best for me, and satan knows I need to start making some serious decisions beyond what train to take next week, and when to swing by the bookstore to pick up yet another thick course pack. My task list is long and growing, now that holidays are running quickly back to the classroom, while I am still so damn exhausted.

Exhausted: tired out, worn out, weary, dead-tired, dog-tired, bone-tired, ready to drop, drained, fatigued, enervated; informal beat, done in, all in, bushed, zonked, bagged, knocked out, wiped out, burned out, pooped, tuckered out, tapped out, fried, whipped … but also, used up, consumed, finished, spent, depleted; empty, drained. Until whimsy had me pulling out the thesaurus to increase my vocabulary related to this overused word of mine, I thought I fell into the tired sense of exhaustion, while now I am thinking I am simply spent.

My resources have been drained, and I now feel incredibly empty, to the point that a certain numbness sets in when I should really be feeling joy or anger or frustration. I think this sense of exhaustion results from the sad reality of incredible disappointments I experienced in the last couple of months. Even now. Even today I don’t know how to balance understanding someone else’s behaviour against what I need, and how I need to be treated. What more can I do once I state my needs to those who matter to me? What then when they gloss over these needs?

Autumn soon arrives. When the seasons change, I am always reminded of a friend who jokingly suggested I should be selfish for at least one season. I think this summer has finally taught me the necessity of being egocentric, if only for the sake of surviving and preventing further exhausting experiences. I know how much work I did last year, and I am slightly afraid of how much work I will have to do this coming year. And most likely the following. I am re-structuring the daily details of my life with an eye to the longer term payoffs. What did I expect? Financial wear, yes. Emotional tear, no.

Good news, at least. I have found an academic home that makes sense. Now, I just have to get to work. Surprisingly, I am capable of concentration even though I have no idea if an overseas flight ended in safety and general fatigue.

The Odyssey, by the way, was a good story.